Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Back to Business

Well I hope everyone enjoyed that story. If not, here's some more memoir stuff. It's not quite as depressing.

"Eyes on the Pru"

“Chest up, eyes on the Pru[Prudential Building],” I thought to myself as I walked down the small hill on Commonwealth Ave. I have to say, it’s a great way to fake some confidence, or at least I thought it was. It forced me to put a bit of a strut in my step, and slow things down a little. I couldn’t awkwardly rush to where I was going as usual. No matter how I walked on the way to class or the T for my internship, I always looked tense. Luckily this time I was going out to lunch with a friend, so I was in no hurry.

I had the same kind of posture when I walked past the dining hall. Last year, I took the long way home from the other side of campus to “make myself feel better”. I’d walk through West Campus instead of going down Comm. Ave. As if walking past the dining hall and saying an arbitrary number under ten, and saying that many girls looked at me favorably was actually productive. It certainly didn’t help me when I did it, but it didn’t stop me from doing the same every once in a while this year. It was something to keep my hopes up, because I apparently couldn’t find any other way. I needed something to pump me up, even if it was a total lie. It was better than lying about who I was to people, or bragging about what I had done. Thanks to the success I’ve had in landing internships, it’s given me a better look into the business world. That really was double-edged sword, though.

My mood turned sour on my walk to Marsh Chapel, and I couldn’t understand why. The semester was almost over, the only work I had left was studying, I had earned myself two internships for the coming semester, and I had spent the night before hanging with some friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. For some reason, as “Clocks” by Coldplay calmly seeped out of my headphones, I felt eerily somber. After being happy, waking up late and clamoring over to the center of campus in a good mood, I was down. Luckily the feeling didn’t last for long, as I soon met up with Brian and made our way to O’Leary’s for lunch.

Understanding emotion is something I may never be able to do, especially my own. I go from sad to happy back to sad in a matter of hours. Maybe it’s all the self-examining I’ve been doing lately. It certainly seems as if I have reflected more now than ever, and it has shown in my writing. I’ve been a lot more willing to write, and I think that’s a good thing. It’s been getting my feelings out and my practice in. Perhaps all this writing will lead to a solution. I can try different things to see how they work (or in the case of my new strut, do not). Until I find a better solution, it’s, “Chest up, eyes on the Pru.”

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