Friday, May 11, 2007

A Keen Observation

I love sarcasm. I also love writing. Here's a great instance of where they work together. Hooray teamwork.

A Keen Observation

Men and women are very different creatures. They deal with their problems in totally different ways, and have thought processes that are nothing alike. Neither of them is totally logical all the time, but that is about their only similarity.

Men and women are also different in their physical attributes. Women typically have better boobs than men. On a totally unrelated note, their genitalia are also much more complex. So are their actions and reactions to other people. It’s a surprise that no one ever put two and two together, except for the parents of the lead singer of Outkast. Hey ya!

I have a theory. Let’s call it the complexity factor. It’s actually a bit simpler than you’d think. The complexity of one’s genitalia is directly related to the complexity of one’s emotions. Think about it this way: men are very straightforward. They know what they want, and (usually) how to get it. They don’t hide much, unless they’re trying to impress a girl. They’re brutally honest, often to a fault. It’s easy to predict what they’ll do or say, because it’s most often the easiest option. They’re lazy a lot, but they’ll work hard for what they want if they really have to. They can be brave and protective when they want to be, and all of their traits are quite elementary. So are their penises. There’s one place for pee, and one for the soldiers, but they share the same tube. There’s a dick and balls, but not much else. Everything there has a specific purpose. They may like to use a lot of duct tape, but they aren’t quite as resourceful as their female counterparts in the reproduction department.

Women are a totally different story. Their relationships with men and other women are scarred by awkward moments and confusing interactions. They don’t tend to act the same around everyone. They have a different front they put on for every situation. They worry and overanalyze and think too much about emotion, which is something guys almost never do (unless you’re me, but that’s a tale for another time). Ignorance is bliss. Girls keep secrets even from their best friends to prevent people’s feelings from being hurt. However, much of the time those secrets harm the friendships themselves, and do exactly what they were meant to prevent. The way they interact with other people is not easily deciphered by guys, and sometimes even by fellow women. Sometimes, it works out well. The occasional awkward situation can be avoided. The “glitch” works itself out, like in Office Space when Milton stops getting paid and realizes he’s fired. Maybe that isn’t such a good example since he burns the place down in the end. You see my point. In all seriousness, it can work out sometimes. Take my word for it. Girls hint at stuff that even dumb guys can realize, like when they have a crush on them. (Yeah. Maybe I should quit while I’m behind.)

Women’s private parts are also quite complicated. There’s in-holes and out-holes and more indoor plumbing than Ancient Rome. Some things have single uses, some many uses, and some no crucial use at all. There are more parts inside and outside than on a battleship. There’s bleeding and peeing and babies. Oh my! There are parts that not all women are even aware of in terms of their use. The complexity of the vagina seems unnecessary, as do many of the emotional issues women have. More women are prone to eating disorders than men. Women tend to have less confidence. Women also spend a helluva lot more money, especially for cosmetic products. (You don’t see too many guys wearing eyeliner.)

Could it be that women deal with things differently because of their private parts? Their gender role is not at all similar to guys’. They have many different ways for solving problems, which usually get them into bigger problems. Often times, guys get themselves into trouble when they use girls’ tactics for interacting. Once they start lying and avoiding the truth, they get themselves into a whole web of lies that only gets bigger. The spider that is the woman in their life gets ready to suck his blood and leave him dry when that happens. Look at the embarrassment that Ron Burgundy could have avoided. When he tried to impress Ms. Corningstone, he ended up translating “San Diego” in German into “whale’s vagina”. He explained how the wonderful west coast city was discovered by the Germans in 1792. Not exactly how it happened.

Can we really blame all these interactive problems on women and their seemingly evil way of doing things?


It probably wouldn’t fly with half the world’s population though. Let’s err on the side of caution and find an alternate explanation to save ourselves a few kicks in the balls. Nobody likes those.

The way society forces us to react with each other really screws things up. And when I say society, I mean man’s natural pursuit of women. (It’s not really society at all, but I felt like using a big, existential, the-sky-is-falling type word. Work with me here.) Men are the aggressors, so they seem to have the upper hand. Since they are the active choosers, they have more options. It’s not hard for an ass-ugly guy to get a hot girl under the right circumstances. (See my age/beauty corollary for details.) I can’t say the opposite is true. Women realize this and get nervous. They worry and scramble to find the best way to put the odds in their favor. They think obsessively about what they can do and how they can do it to get that guy’s attention. They wear different clothes, speak differently, and have different mannerisms when they’re around certain people. A lot of times, they’re not themselves when trying to impress someone. If all that pressure was put on you, wouldn’t you be a bit worried too?

So, women’s reaction in society may be complex, but it’s more logical than we thought. Can men really blame women for the way they act? Yeah, but then they’d just be a bunch of ignorant guys.

Another Modest Proposal

Here's another serious problem in today's world that I have created an ingenius solution to.

Another Modest Proposal

The life of Barbie isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. If Barbie were a real person, she would be bed ridden. Her back wouldn’t be able to support her overly large breasts. Her waist would be the circumference of a compact disc. She certainly wouldn’t have the level of attraction she has in her fantasy world, where every Ken doll is dying to go out with her, because no one wants to date someone who can’t leave their own bed. (Unless they’re a necrophiliac. In that case, she’s almost as good as dead. Giggity giggity giggity!)

American culture has forced countless young girls and women try to be just like Barbie. In her dream world, Barbie is something no one can ever be: perfect (well, except for maybe Jessica Alba). Thanks to our plastic friend, all women have to be incredibly skinny, and fill double d cups. They have to do everything, and be great at it. Such standards cannot possibly be reached by even the women with seemingly everything going for them.

In one of his songs, Ludacris says he wants “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”. He needs to look no further than Cosmopolitan Magazine for that. Cosmo is the most prominent force in the development of the perfect woman. This and similar magazines such as Vogue cause identity crises in millions of women, young and old each year. These women are constantly reminded of the women they should be, the smart, athletic, talented women who have beautiful husbands or boyfriends, lots of money, and the looks of a supermodel. And don’t forget the 100 secret sex tips they should know from every issue that’ll blow their guys minds.

Advertisements throughout these magazines tell the readers to buy their products to get what they want, whether it’s the attention of all their peers or a date with the guy they’ve been staring at during philosophy lecture. Originally, there is no problem with these claims; they’re business ploys that can or cannot be believed. However, the standards these advertisements set as a whole is preposterous (and totally awesome if you’re a guy). Every woman in each of the ads is absolutely beautiful. If only the US were like Europe in its advertising…

After the readers are coerced into buying the product, they find that it does not make them as beautiful as the women in the ads. They are left sadly disappointed, but it doesn’t stop them from buying even more of these “miracle products”. Maybe they should grab some Sex Panther or something.

Women’s angst fuels the social machine that is built on manipulation and lies. Many women are driven to depression, eating disorders, and suicide because they feel they are not good enough to live in our society. Such problems have negative impacts in every aspect of their existence. Although, it is great to have a lot of anorexic girls around.

Who would’ve known that a toy and a few sheets of paper could ruin millions of people’s lives? If Barbie, Stacy and all of their friends were destroyed, life would be easier for women all over the United States. If women weren’t taught to read, Cosmo wouldn’t be an issue either.

By destroying Barbie and the image she creates, women would be freed from the shackles of conformity. Parents would save a heck of a lot of money on pointless dolls, clothes, houses, and beach cruisers. Girls would find something else to do like learn to clean and cook. Women would no longer have to try to be perfect, and years of distress could be wiped away. They would never have to wear makeup again! They could be as ugly as they want (until their husbands come home from work, that is)! Instead of spending half their life buying, preparing, and worrying, they could do what truly makes them happy, like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. Isn’t that what they all want in the end?

Unfortunately, Barbie and Cosmopolitan are not the only issues. Even in sitcoms, women are expected to be perfect. Take Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Guy, King of Queens, or Still Standing for example. In each show, the husband is not a very good looking person. He’s lazy, irresponsible, and usually out of shape. He makes his wife do all of the housework. He’s the man. The wife is a beautiful woman who’s smart and charismatic, and has to put up with all the family issues. How can anyone be expected to be like them? There are very few (if any) people like them in real life, so why do they show up so much on television? Why not have the men be “perfect” too? If they weren’t so cool, they’d probably have to be. There aren’t too many average-looking women in these shows. So what’s the obvious solution?

Get rid of all those shows. If the shows don’t exist, neither do the unfair standards. Why not get rid of that crap? It’s not like anyone watches it. Family Guy is a bunch of sexist trash anyway. Women aren’t just limited to the kitchen and bedroom. How else could they clean the living room? They should go back to the days of Leave it to Beaver and the Brady Bunch.

So there you have it. Get rid of Barbie, Cosmo, and Family Guy, and it’ll be just like the 1950s: a (perfect) society without depression, minorities, and communism. Women will be free.

A Modest Proposal

It's been a while since my last post. Finals, fifty page papers, and having two internships at the same time will do that to you. Anyway, I figured I would post a few more things I had been thinking about. Here's where I first get into the whole "how to improve the world" stuff. It's modeled after Jonathan Swift's (the author of "Gulliver's Travels") "A Modest Proposal", where he proposes a radical, comedic solution to a real life problem.

A Modest Proposal

In an episode of The Simpsons, Homer Simpson’s toast says it all. “To alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life’s problems!” Alcohol abuse is a serious problem in our society today. Many people each year die from drunk driving accidents, and alcohol poisoning is also a common killer. People do many things they may not normally do when they are under the influence, but that isn’t always a bad thing. People have been gathering for thousands of years to share a brew or two, maybe a glass of wine.

Alcohol has the power to unite people of all shapes and sizes, and all different colors as well. When a man at a bar is drinking to forget his ex-girlfriend or his cheating wife, the bartender and fellow bar mates have always been there to lend a helping pint. People who go to bars have a great time, even with complete strangers. It’s nature’s liquid confidence that helps break the ice when there’s a bad call in the big game or you sit down next to that girl, wanting to order her a drink. Alcohol has united men and women alike for years. Anyone and everyone looks like a supermodel after a few shots. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that such a miracle potion could be a solution to many more of the world’s major problems.

There’s a shirt that sells in Urban Outfitters that reads “I’m a drinker, not a fighter”. That shirt is one of their best selling items, and its motto is a better foreign policy than half of the countries out there, especially our own. That’s why it should be the policy of all countries around the world. The leaders of every country should be forced into a small area to spend the night with alcohol and each other. Think of the possibilities! George W. Bush could match Kim Il Jong shot for shot to see who wins a contest more intriguing than the nuclear arms race. Tony Blair and Jean-Pierre Raffarin could put their countries’ differences behind them, and have France and the U.K. finally agree on something, or at least not hate each other. Leaders of third world countries could boost their reputations with a lot of rounds or just a few party tricks. I heard Hugo Ch├ívez can open bottles with his eye sockets. Some leaders would get a funny nickname that the media would love to use, and they’d have a story for the ages. Greece’s Kostas Karamanlis could be “Schnoz”. I heard Italian Romano Prodi is the next Fabio.

With this proposal, everybody would win! There would even be world peace. The treaties may be a bit messy, but they still count even if there’s a stain or two, right? They can’t use a partisan item such as holy water to baptize such a document. With a little holy brew, there certainly won’t be any germs on the paper. The leaders would have a whole new group of friends that they never would have considered as such before. If all the world leaders were friends, wouldn’t the world be a much happier place? Sure, there would be the occasional practical joke, but that’s much better than violence, isn’t it? So there’s the proposition. If we can forget the negatives alcohol brings, it can solve anything!