Friday, May 11, 2007

A Modest Proposal

It's been a while since my last post. Finals, fifty page papers, and having two internships at the same time will do that to you. Anyway, I figured I would post a few more things I had been thinking about. Here's where I first get into the whole "how to improve the world" stuff. It's modeled after Jonathan Swift's (the author of "Gulliver's Travels") "A Modest Proposal", where he proposes a radical, comedic solution to a real life problem.

A Modest Proposal

In an episode of The Simpsons, Homer Simpson’s toast says it all. “To alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life’s problems!” Alcohol abuse is a serious problem in our society today. Many people each year die from drunk driving accidents, and alcohol poisoning is also a common killer. People do many things they may not normally do when they are under the influence, but that isn’t always a bad thing. People have been gathering for thousands of years to share a brew or two, maybe a glass of wine.

Alcohol has the power to unite people of all shapes and sizes, and all different colors as well. When a man at a bar is drinking to forget his ex-girlfriend or his cheating wife, the bartender and fellow bar mates have always been there to lend a helping pint. People who go to bars have a great time, even with complete strangers. It’s nature’s liquid confidence that helps break the ice when there’s a bad call in the big game or you sit down next to that girl, wanting to order her a drink. Alcohol has united men and women alike for years. Anyone and everyone looks like a supermodel after a few shots. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that such a miracle potion could be a solution to many more of the world’s major problems.

There’s a shirt that sells in Urban Outfitters that reads “I’m a drinker, not a fighter”. That shirt is one of their best selling items, and its motto is a better foreign policy than half of the countries out there, especially our own. That’s why it should be the policy of all countries around the world. The leaders of every country should be forced into a small area to spend the night with alcohol and each other. Think of the possibilities! George W. Bush could match Kim Il Jong shot for shot to see who wins a contest more intriguing than the nuclear arms race. Tony Blair and Jean-Pierre Raffarin could put their countries’ differences behind them, and have France and the U.K. finally agree on something, or at least not hate each other. Leaders of third world countries could boost their reputations with a lot of rounds or just a few party tricks. I heard Hugo Ch├ívez can open bottles with his eye sockets. Some leaders would get a funny nickname that the media would love to use, and they’d have a story for the ages. Greece’s Kostas Karamanlis could be “Schnoz”. I heard Italian Romano Prodi is the next Fabio.

With this proposal, everybody would win! There would even be world peace. The treaties may be a bit messy, but they still count even if there’s a stain or two, right? They can’t use a partisan item such as holy water to baptize such a document. With a little holy brew, there certainly won’t be any germs on the paper. The leaders would have a whole new group of friends that they never would have considered as such before. If all the world leaders were friends, wouldn’t the world be a much happier place? Sure, there would be the occasional practical joke, but that’s much better than violence, isn’t it? So there’s the proposition. If we can forget the negatives alcohol brings, it can solve anything!

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