Friday, May 11, 2007

A Keen Observation

I love sarcasm. I also love writing. Here's a great instance of where they work together. Hooray teamwork.

A Keen Observation

Men and women are very different creatures. They deal with their problems in totally different ways, and have thought processes that are nothing alike. Neither of them is totally logical all the time, but that is about their only similarity.

Men and women are also different in their physical attributes. Women typically have better boobs than men. On a totally unrelated note, their genitalia are also much more complex. So are their actions and reactions to other people. It’s a surprise that no one ever put two and two together, except for the parents of the lead singer of Outkast. Hey ya!

I have a theory. Let’s call it the complexity factor. It’s actually a bit simpler than you’d think. The complexity of one’s genitalia is directly related to the complexity of one’s emotions. Think about it this way: men are very straightforward. They know what they want, and (usually) how to get it. They don’t hide much, unless they’re trying to impress a girl. They’re brutally honest, often to a fault. It’s easy to predict what they’ll do or say, because it’s most often the easiest option. They’re lazy a lot, but they’ll work hard for what they want if they really have to. They can be brave and protective when they want to be, and all of their traits are quite elementary. So are their penises. There’s one place for pee, and one for the soldiers, but they share the same tube. There’s a dick and balls, but not much else. Everything there has a specific purpose. They may like to use a lot of duct tape, but they aren’t quite as resourceful as their female counterparts in the reproduction department.

Women are a totally different story. Their relationships with men and other women are scarred by awkward moments and confusing interactions. They don’t tend to act the same around everyone. They have a different front they put on for every situation. They worry and overanalyze and think too much about emotion, which is something guys almost never do (unless you’re me, but that’s a tale for another time). Ignorance is bliss. Girls keep secrets even from their best friends to prevent people’s feelings from being hurt. However, much of the time those secrets harm the friendships themselves, and do exactly what they were meant to prevent. The way they interact with other people is not easily deciphered by guys, and sometimes even by fellow women. Sometimes, it works out well. The occasional awkward situation can be avoided. The “glitch” works itself out, like in Office Space when Milton stops getting paid and realizes he’s fired. Maybe that isn’t such a good example since he burns the place down in the end. You see my point. In all seriousness, it can work out sometimes. Take my word for it. Girls hint at stuff that even dumb guys can realize, like when they have a crush on them. (Yeah. Maybe I should quit while I’m behind.)

Women’s private parts are also quite complicated. There’s in-holes and out-holes and more indoor plumbing than Ancient Rome. Some things have single uses, some many uses, and some no crucial use at all. There are more parts inside and outside than on a battleship. There’s bleeding and peeing and babies. Oh my! There are parts that not all women are even aware of in terms of their use. The complexity of the vagina seems unnecessary, as do many of the emotional issues women have. More women are prone to eating disorders than men. Women tend to have less confidence. Women also spend a helluva lot more money, especially for cosmetic products. (You don’t see too many guys wearing eyeliner.)

Could it be that women deal with things differently because of their private parts? Their gender role is not at all similar to guys’. They have many different ways for solving problems, which usually get them into bigger problems. Often times, guys get themselves into trouble when they use girls’ tactics for interacting. Once they start lying and avoiding the truth, they get themselves into a whole web of lies that only gets bigger. The spider that is the woman in their life gets ready to suck his blood and leave him dry when that happens. Look at the embarrassment that Ron Burgundy could have avoided. When he tried to impress Ms. Corningstone, he ended up translating “San Diego” in German into “whale’s vagina”. He explained how the wonderful west coast city was discovered by the Germans in 1792. Not exactly how it happened.

Can we really blame all these interactive problems on women and their seemingly evil way of doing things?


It probably wouldn’t fly with half the world’s population though. Let’s err on the side of caution and find an alternate explanation to save ourselves a few kicks in the balls. Nobody likes those.

The way society forces us to react with each other really screws things up. And when I say society, I mean man’s natural pursuit of women. (It’s not really society at all, but I felt like using a big, existential, the-sky-is-falling type word. Work with me here.) Men are the aggressors, so they seem to have the upper hand. Since they are the active choosers, they have more options. It’s not hard for an ass-ugly guy to get a hot girl under the right circumstances. (See my age/beauty corollary for details.) I can’t say the opposite is true. Women realize this and get nervous. They worry and scramble to find the best way to put the odds in their favor. They think obsessively about what they can do and how they can do it to get that guy’s attention. They wear different clothes, speak differently, and have different mannerisms when they’re around certain people. A lot of times, they’re not themselves when trying to impress someone. If all that pressure was put on you, wouldn’t you be a bit worried too?

So, women’s reaction in society may be complex, but it’s more logical than we thought. Can men really blame women for the way they act? Yeah, but then they’d just be a bunch of ignorant guys.

No comments:

Post a Comment