Another Modest Proposal

Here's another serious problem in today's world that I have created an ingenius solution to.

Another Modest Proposal

The life of Barbie isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. If Barbie were a real person, she would be bed ridden. Her back wouldn’t be able to support her overly large breasts. Her waist would be the circumference of a compact disc. She certainly wouldn’t have the level of attraction she has in her fantasy world, where every Ken doll is dying to go out with her, because no one wants to date someone who can’t leave their own bed. (Unless they’re a necrophiliac. In that case, she’s almost as good as dead. Giggity giggity giggity!)

American culture has forced countless young girls and women try to be just like Barbie. In her dream world, Barbie is something no one can ever be: perfect (well, except for maybe Jessica Alba). Thanks to our plastic friend, all women have to be incredibly skinny, and fill double d cups. They have to do everything, and be great at it. Such standards cannot possibly be reached by even the women with seemingly everything going for them.

In one of his songs, Ludacris says he wants “a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”. He needs to look no further than Cosmopolitan Magazine for that. Cosmo is the most prominent force in the development of the perfect woman. This and similar magazines such as Vogue cause identity crises in millions of women, young and old each year. These women are constantly reminded of the women they should be, the smart, athletic, talented women who have beautiful husbands or boyfriends, lots of money, and the looks of a supermodel. And don’t forget the 100 secret sex tips they should know from every issue that’ll blow their guys minds.

Advertisements throughout these magazines tell the readers to buy their products to get what they want, whether it’s the attention of all their peers or a date with the guy they’ve been staring at during philosophy lecture. Originally, there is no problem with these claims; they’re business ploys that can or cannot be believed. However, the standards these advertisements set as a whole is preposterous (and totally awesome if you’re a guy). Every woman in each of the ads is absolutely beautiful. If only the US were like Europe in its advertising…

After the readers are coerced into buying the product, they find that it does not make them as beautiful as the women in the ads. They are left sadly disappointed, but it doesn’t stop them from buying even more of these “miracle products”. Maybe they should grab some Sex Panther or something.

Women’s angst fuels the social machine that is built on manipulation and lies. Many women are driven to depression, eating disorders, and suicide because they feel they are not good enough to live in our society. Such problems have negative impacts in every aspect of their existence. Although, it is great to have a lot of anorexic girls around.

Who would’ve known that a toy and a few sheets of paper could ruin millions of people’s lives? If Barbie, Stacy and all of their friends were destroyed, life would be easier for women all over the United States. If women weren’t taught to read, Cosmo wouldn’t be an issue either.

By destroying Barbie and the image she creates, women would be freed from the shackles of conformity. Parents would save a heck of a lot of money on pointless dolls, clothes, houses, and beach cruisers. Girls would find something else to do like learn to clean and cook. Women would no longer have to try to be perfect, and years of distress could be wiped away. They would never have to wear makeup again! They could be as ugly as they want (until their husbands come home from work, that is)! Instead of spending half their life buying, preparing, and worrying, they could do what truly makes them happy, like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. Isn’t that what they all want in the end?

Unfortunately, Barbie and Cosmopolitan are not the only issues. Even in sitcoms, women are expected to be perfect. Take Everybody Loves Raymond, Family Guy, King of Queens, or Still Standing for example. In each show, the husband is not a very good looking person. He’s lazy, irresponsible, and usually out of shape. He makes his wife do all of the housework. He’s the man. The wife is a beautiful woman who’s smart and charismatic, and has to put up with all the family issues. How can anyone be expected to be like them? There are very few (if any) people like them in real life, so why do they show up so much on television? Why not have the men be “perfect” too? If they weren’t so cool, they’d probably have to be. There aren’t too many average-looking women in these shows. So what’s the obvious solution?

Get rid of all those shows. If the shows don’t exist, neither do the unfair standards. Why not get rid of that crap? It’s not like anyone watches it. Family Guy is a bunch of sexist trash anyway. Women aren’t just limited to the kitchen and bedroom. How else could they clean the living room? They should go back to the days of Leave it to Beaver and the Brady Bunch.

So there you have it. Get rid of Barbie, Cosmo, and Family Guy, and it’ll be just like the 1950s: a (perfect) society without depression, minorities, and communism. Women will be free.

A Modest Proposal

It's been a while since my last post. Finals, fifty page papers, and having two internships at the same time will do that to you. Anyway, I figured I would post a few more things I had been thinking about. Here's where I first get into the whole "how to improve the world" stuff. It's modeled after Jonathan Swift's (the author of "Gulliver's Travels") "A Modest Proposal", where he proposes a radical, comedic solution to a real life problem.

A Modest Proposal

In an episode of The Simpsons, Homer Simpson’s toast says it all. “To alcohol: the cause and solution to all of life’s problems!” Alcohol abuse is a serious problem in our society today. Many people each year die from drunk driving accidents, and alcohol poisoning is also a common killer. People do many things they may not normally do when they are under the influence, but that isn’t always a bad thing. People have been gathering for thousands of years to share a brew or two, maybe a glass of wine.

Alcohol has the power to unite people of all shapes and sizes, and all different colors as well. When a man at a bar is drinking to forget his ex-girlfriend or his cheating wife, the bartender and fellow bar mates have always been there to lend a helping pint. People who go to bars have a great time, even with complete strangers. It’s nature’s liquid confidence that helps break the ice when there’s a bad call in the big game or you sit down next to that girl, wanting to order her a drink. Alcohol has united men and women alike for years. Anyone and everyone looks like a supermodel after a few shots. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that such a miracle potion could be a solution to many more of the world’s major problems.

There’s a shirt that sells in Urban Outfitters that reads “I’m a drinker, not a fighter”. That shirt is one of their best selling items, and its motto is a better foreign policy than half of the countries out there, especially our own. That’s why it should be the policy of all countries around the world. The leaders of every country should be forced into a small area to spend the night with alcohol and each other. Think of the possibilities! George W. Bush could match Kim Il Jong shot for shot to see who wins a contest more intriguing than the nuclear arms race. Tony Blair and Jean-Pierre Raffarin could put their countries’ differences behind them, and have France and the U.K. finally agree on something, or at least not hate each other. Leaders of third world countries could boost their reputations with a lot of rounds or just a few party tricks. I heard Hugo Chávez can open bottles with his eye sockets. Some leaders would get a funny nickname that the media would love to use, and they’d have a story for the ages. Greece’s Kostas Karamanlis could be “Schnoz”. I heard Italian Romano Prodi is the next Fabio.

With this proposal, everybody would win! There would even be world peace. The treaties may be a bit messy, but they still count even if there’s a stain or two, right? They can’t use a partisan item such as holy water to baptize such a document. With a little holy brew, there certainly won’t be any germs on the paper. The leaders would have a whole new group of friends that they never would have considered as such before. If all the world leaders were friends, wouldn’t the world be a much happier place? Sure, there would be the occasional practical joke, but that’s much better than violence, isn’t it? So there’s the proposition. If we can forget the negatives alcohol brings, it can solve anything!